Archive for July, 2004

A thing called "Defenestration"

Thursday, July 29th, 2004

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Defenestration

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: Here’s how I survived my defenestration. Right before they threw me out the window, I tethered a bowling-ball to my ankle.

Galileo: Oh goodness. Why?

: Since light things fall slower than heavy things, the considerably lighter-than-me bowling-ball fell slower, tugging the tether and thus appreciably slowing my descent.

Galileo: Yes, but the combined mass of you plus bowling-ball plus tether weighs more than just you alone, so the whole tethered-together system would fall faster than you alone.

: Thus proving that I didn’t survive my defenestration?

Galileo: I’ve been dead since 1642. You get used to it eventually.

A thing called "Blowfish"

Thursday, July 29th, 2004

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Blowfish

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Viruses reproduce by hijacking the DNA of a cell turning it into a virus factory. Re-/de-evolution viruses convert the DNA of a cell into that of another species. Spray some on the family dog and Rover becomes a monkey.

Re-animation viruses restore dead cells to life. PETA bio-hackers spray that on some rich broad’s mink stole and she’s got an angry resurrected mammal clawing her face off.

Any punk with a centrifuge and electrophoresis chamber can combine the two and drop an erelnmeyer flask-ful on your leather shoes. And that’s how got a pair of blowfish on her feet.

The 2004 UK Big Brother Awards

Wednesday, July 28th, 2004

“If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - for ever.”
      - George Orwell, 1984
http://www.privacyinternational.org/bigbrother/uk2004/

A thing called "Russian"

Wednesday, July 28th, 2004

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Russian

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I wanted to write something about the Russian Cossacks, under employ of the Czar, and their resemblance to Huns, who originated steak tartar when they kept raw meat under their saddles, tenderized by long days of riding, cured by horses’ sweat. I wanted to accomplish an anachronism pitting Huns and Cossacks against cosmonauts and cosmetologists wherein they would all have something true, sweet, and painful in common. I wanted to play on the connotations of “,” on weeping trees and happy fish. I wanted to do it all in a breathless meta-fictional jolt that ends with the words “mirrored mirrors.”

A thing called "Apocalyptic"

Wednesday, July 28th, 2004

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Apocalyptic

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“I’ve seen some pretty apocalyptic shit,” said , feeling the heft of the machine-gun cradled in her arms. “I’ve seen helicopters burning in mid-air. I’ve navigated the moonless desert by the light of tracers and rocket-exhaust. I’ve seen fish leap out of the ocean and hover for hours before gravity remembered. I’ve seen colors no one has names for. I’ve seen buzzards fall from the sky for the fullness of their bellies. I’ve seen rivers of saliva cascade down mountains of fool’s gold.”

“I guess you can say I’ve seen it all,” said as the classroom eyed her nervously.

A thing called "Disquietude"

Wednesday, July 28th, 2004

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Disquietude

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Melee of Massed Mentation. In this corner, wearing white trunks, weighing 6.0 x 1024 kg, the precise mass of the Earth itself, is the Corporeal Instantiation of Worried Unease and Anxiety, Disquietude. And in this corner, also wearing white trunks, also having the precise mass of the earth, is Quiescence, The Planet-sized Concrescence of the Qualities of Stillness, Silence and Being at Rest. And in the exact center of the ring is your announcer, me, , a man of flesh, alone and alive, rendered weightless by the mutually opposing gravitational fields of tonight’s contenders.

A thing called "Onomatopoeia"

Wednesday, July 28th, 2004

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Onomatopoeia

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: Dude, I was like just sittin’ there on my motorcycle and I see her on the corner and I’m like growl and she’s like squeak and my bike is all vroom and the cars behind me are all beep-beep and she jumps on the back and my shocks are all sproing and my dick is all boing and

Bluetomato: And I’m all like “onomatopoeia”

: And I’m all like “shut the fuck up dude and lemme finish.” So we get back to my place she’s all like snap-ploo-ba-doof.

Bluetomato: Like wha?

: Big-tittied girl takin’ her bra off, dude.

A thing called "Unemployed Actor"

Wednesday, July 28th, 2004

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Unemployed Actor

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(Glossary excerpts from the The Diagnostic Manual for Xenopathic Disease, 4th Edition. , editor. Mare Tranquilllitatus: Mare Tranquillitatus University Press: 2074)

actor, unemployed – Colloquial designation for victims of xenopathic mimetic parasitism during periods of the parasites’ dormancy (See also: actor, employed; mimetic parasitism; Space Plague I; Space Plague II)

mimetic parasitism – behavioral syndrome due to brain infestation (especially of the so-called mirror neurons in the frontal lobes) by one or more space-borne xenopathogens wherein human host exhibits acute powers of mimicry and bursts of exhibitionism that attract the attention (and accompanying telepathic and empathic radiation) upon which the parasite feeds.

A thing called "Polystyrene"

Tuesday, July 27th, 2004

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Polystyrene

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didn’t really get

Polystyrene, created from erethylene and benzene, utilized in

the chemistry professors’ name. But the distinctive odor of his lab coat

continuous extrusion blow-molding wherein plasticized molten polymer is pushed through head to form a continuous parison,

infuses the gag in her mouth. And permeates his hot breath on her

intermittent blow-molding wherein melt accumulates before pushing out in one shot, and

neck. She regains consciousness and struggles against

injection stretch blow-molding wherein injection-molded pre-form is reheated and stretched with a pin while simultaneously

her bonds in the dimly lit hotel room.

being blown in a mold.

Memes are stupid. Mostly.

Tuesday, July 27th, 2004

I like this shit.



I adopted a cute lil' ninja fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!