NILF
NILF
So the other night I had the candles and the pentagram and shit out for summoning the Elder Gods. I was hoping to placate them and maybe get them to juice up my enemy-smiting powers. My incantation style was kind of half-ass, I have to admit, 'cuz I wasn't really expecting this to work, but then, whaddya know, there's a flash and a sulfurous “bamf” and two or three of ye ol' Elder God phase in from the UltraVoid.
(If you've ever seen an Elder God, you know why I couldn't tell two from three.)
I'm a bit stunned, of course, because of the mind-aching horror of laying eyes on the non-Euclidian monstrosities draping their tentacles all over my entertainment center, so I don't start in right away with the placating.
Big mistake.
The patience of the Elder Gods is as small as their cruelty is vast. There's another sulfurous “bamf” and it's back to the UltraVoid for my terrible visitors.
My disapointment is short-lived however, 'cuz as the wafting hell-smoke dissipates I discern a new stack of DVD's and VHS tapes piled up in front of my entertainment center. Gifts from Gods! I intuit immediately that my masters have left me a pile of their hideous other-worldly pr0n!
I break into a cold sweat just contemplating watching this stuff. Do I have the courage? I'm still not sure I've fully recovered from seeing Japanese chicks administer eels to their nethers. Dare I expose myself to the buggery from beyond?
Yes! Yes I do!
I get the first tape out of the case. It's not rewound! Oh, the evil I am seeing will not long go unmatched. For the third time this night I hear a “bamf”. It's just a half-bamf though. The ElderGods are not phasing all of the way in this time, but have opened up just a little tear in the space-time continuum. An interdimensional gash hovers above the stack of discs and tapes. A tentacle slips through the portal between worlds. My heart races! Ye Gods! I am helpless before your might! The tip of the tentacle feels around blindly before alighting upon the porn stack. Could it be that it is going to show me what to watch first? A recommendation, oh master?
I feel my heart will burst with anticipation. But then the tentacle wraps around the entire stack like a coil of rope and “bamf”, tentacle and stack are gone. Even the un-rewound tape I had in my hand has disappeared. They took their porn back!
I fear now that I will be driven quite mad, for the urge to see some genuinely Cthulian smut burns fiercely in my soul. Where can I get some? I will not settle for some cheap tentacular JapCrap. I want the DVDA* to be seriously Lovecraftian. You know: Crawling chaos money shot? Non-Euclidian Gang-Bang? The doom that came (and came and came) on Sarnath? The leathery winged chattering of the beaver that dare not speak its name?
Oh sweet mother madness, I shall one day cling to your embrace, but only after I have nailed a NILF**.
—
*Double Vaginal Double Anal
**Nyralathotep that I'd Like to Fuck